The Me Inside My Head Has a Much Cooler Life

I take public transit.  One thing I really like about this mode of transportation is that while I’m on that boat, there’s nothing I need to do.  Sometimes I read, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I nap, and sometimes I just sit there and think.

I try not to think about practical things.  I mean sometimes, yes, dinner plans get mixed up in there, or coming up with a solution for some work problem.  But those sorts of things occupy my “on” time, and I consider my daily commute to be my “bonus” time, so I try to keep these thoughts out.

This is me, pretending to be thinking. I thought I'd add it for illustrative purposes.

Instead, I like to imagine little scenarios wherein I am impressively capable or ecstatically happy in some way.  Some of these are more realistic that others, but they all make me smile.  Here are some of my favourites:

• Fantasy #1 – Wherein I am accosted by a hooligan mugger somewhere downtown and I kick his ass. This one is funny if you actually know me, because realistically, if a mugger were to accost me, I would cry, give him all my things, and then probably curl up in a ball at his feet and pretend to be invisible.  This is my only fantasy that includes dialogue.  I won’t write it out here because it involves swear words and my mom gets upset when I swear on my blog.  But the gist is that he wants my bag and I say no and he says I’ve got a knife and I say no you don’t and lo and behold I’ve stolen his knife and I say now go away and he tries to attack me but I dodge and I say go away or I’ll break your knee I really mean it and he tries to attack me again and I break his knee and then I call 911 and wait for the ambulance to come and help him.

• Fantasy #2 – Wherein, instead of having a job, I just travel around the world.

• Fantasy #3 – Wherein I secretly am fluent in every language in the world and can understand everything everyone around me is saying. This is pretty self-explanatory.  It would be a handy tool in Vancouver, which is pretty multi-cultural.  There are probably ten non-English languages spoken where I work alone, and I wouldn’t say that’s out of the ordinary.

• Fantasy #4 – Wherein people give me all their savings and let me decorate their houses any way I want and I make them all totally gorgeous. Actually, I usually have that fantasy when I’m in shops with nice furniture and decor, and not so much on the seabus.  But I like it a lot, so I’m including it anyway.

• Fantasy #5 – Wherein I am inexplicably famous enough to be interviewed on Letterman and my answers to his questions are so clever that everyone is really impressed and I get lots of cool random offers from strangers to do neat jobs that I’ve never even heard of.

• Fantasy #6 – Wherein I have a kitten. I know what you’re thinking: “Wait!  This one’s totally possible!  You could just buy a kitten!”  But I neglected to mention that I want a very special kitten that doesn’t need a litter box, doesn’t ever throw up, doesn’t scratch furniture, and likes me more than it likes my husband.  I have yet to meet a cat with any of these qualities.  So I have a fish instead.

• Fantasy #7 – Wherein someone comes to my home every two weeks and cleans it and does all my ironing.

• Fantasy #8 – Wherein I can dance. Really, really well.  With rhythm and everything.

So there you go.  I’ve just given you all a glimpse into my fascinating inner world.  Go ahead – psychoanalyze me.