The Freaky Celebrity Crush

At the premiere of "Love and Other Imposs...

Seriously, what artist sculpted this woman's face?

The world of the famous is heavily populated with the bizarrely beautiful.  In the real world, people who look like this constitute maybe 20% of the population, if that.  In famous world, the number is more like 80%.  Maybe higher.  (I am totally making these numbers up,  so in case you were trying to verify them, you can stop now.)  This is not a coincidence.

Whether they like it or not, these beautiful people are a product for consumption.  They are fed to us in massive doses.  We watch their movies and TV shows.  We read about their lives in the “news.”  We see them interviewed and dissected and treated as gods in our magazines.

We are meant to love them despite the fact that we don’t even know them.  And we mostly do, because — jealousy aside — it is always easy to love things that are beautiful.  The celebrity crush is considered harmless and completely normal.  If you knew someone who actually looked like one of these people and your significant other had a crush on him or her, you would probably feel a bit threatened by that.  But because these people are so inaccessible and so universally attractive, no one really cares if you have a thing for them.

If you’re a straight guy, you’re almost supposed to have a crush on this girl:

Megan Fox.
Megan Fox.

The ladies, every year or so, are having this guy pushed at us:

Director Chris Weitz (left), actress Kristen S...

Robert Pattinson

And, sure, why not?  Good bone structure, teeth, bodies, hair, skin: from a visual standpoint (which, or course, is all that most of us mere mortals are ever going to experience of these people anyway) you’re looking at some nicely constructed human beings.

More interesting to me is the non-gorgeous celebrity crush.  To be fair, I think it’s easier for women to have these.  Non-gorgeous female celebrities are a bit of a rarity, so there isn’t much choice there for the fellas.  Meanwhile, average-looking men seem to be able to become famous if they’re talented or funny.  Go figure.  Regardless, the non-traditional celebrity crush is usually a bit more unique.  I think most people have one, but they’re usually the only one they know who likes that person.  I mean, yes, the world is a big place, and I’m sure you can find a group of people obsessed with anyone you could name, but these are the celebrity crushes where if you mention them, people look at you with scrunched up brows and say, “Really?  Huh.”

I’ve got two, both pretty weird and both based entirely on awesomeness.

  1. Jackie Chan – He might be almost 60, but he’s got the moves.
  2. Beethoven – He might be dead, but I guess moody musical geniuses impress me.  Also, anyone who can write something like this is hot by default.

So, thought to ponder for the day: am I a freak for digging an old kung fu dude and a dead composer?  Actually, don’t answer that.

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