My Cold Little Heart

I am not the most emotionally demonstrative of people.

I don’t get into big fights.  I loathe yelling, or even having someone raise their voice at me a bit.  It makes me tense all over.  If I’m feeling slighted, I’m more likely to go find a corner to stew in and try to find any necessary solutions on my own than start some kind of drama.  If I can’t work it out myself, I’ll discuss it later when I am calmer.

I don’t naturally hug either.  Don’t get me wrong – I like hugs a lot – they’re great in so many ways.  They make you feel happy and secure and loved.  But it almost never occurs to me to initiate one.  So when people do, I often get flustered (because usually I was going in for a handshake,) which tends to create an awkward moment for all involved.  I had a friend tell me that she felt like she’d violated me when she went to hug me goodbye once.  I was horrified (still am) that that’s how I made her feel, so this is something I’m working on.  I think I’m getting a little better at it.  I have some new friends who seem to hug hello and goodbye all the time, so it’s good practice for me.  (My natural hello/goodbye hug radar would normally only activate if there was a time period of at least six months involved.  Even then, maybe not.)

And I don’t easily cry.  I don’t cry over movies or sappy cards or weddings.  There are a couple of random things that work, but they are rare, and often have to happen in conjunction with PMS.  The only thing I can mostly count on to cry over is tragedy, and even then, it’s often a delayed response (months or years, in my experience.)  Generally, this is ok.  I know people who cry easily and they find it a bit embarrassing.

But I’m currently a little worried about it.  My grandmother recently passed away.  She was a great lady, and when I was a child, we were fairly close.  She was my last living grandparent, and had been for a long time.  This has affected me and it does make me sad.  But I haven’t cried, and I’m not sure that I will.  There is a memorial this Saturday.  There will be a lot of my extended family there, many of whom I rarely see, and some of whom I barely know.  I am hoping that I can cry when I’m there.  I don’t want them to think I am a horrible person who doesn’t care.


10 thoughts on “My Cold Little Heart

  1. Wonderfull post!
    Don’t change anything. It is so precious when someone is able to observe her/himself objectively. Hugging and crying don’t mean a thing when they are just habits. Crying may (or may not) come when the time is right for you, not for others.

  2. My dear, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother in 2008 and to the date I haven’t cried. I lost my father in 2009, then my marriage in 2010, and I have cried a lot since then.

    The reason is, my grandmother was old and had a long and good life, and although she is really missed (she used to pray for the whole family EVERYDAY and her blessings really are missed everyday of my life, because we all need our eldests blessings from time to time to feel that we are not that “bad” or “wrong”) I have never felt the need to shed a tear.
    I feel that her LIFE MISSION was well accomplished and she finally got to go and be with GOD, to enjoy the many wonders of eternal peace and joy, and that is a good thing, not a bad one, so why the heck should I cry?

  3. I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother in January of this year and she was also my last living grandparent. I know what you mean about showing limited emotion about this. I cried when it first happened, I mean like THAT day and maybe the next. But then it was like I stopped grieving and I felt bad about that. But she lived a long and happy life and I think that maybe that’s why. I’m not sure if that could be part of it for you… but you are not alone in that. Someone once told me that our “feelings” are never wrong because they are natural and something we have no control over… but it’s what we DO with our feelings that matters. So be there for your grieving family and “do” whatever you feel is right. Take care.

  4. Sorry for your loss. I would totally agree that it makes sense to feel what you’re feeling as and when you feel it and don’t worry about it too much beyond that. What works for you is what works..

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