There’s a poem I remember from high school lit class. It began, “If we had world enough, and time,” and carried on to talk about how, sure, if life were longer, it would be ok to waste time with stalling and mucking around, but life is short — youth is short, so live it while you can, because sooner than you think, you’ll be old and crusty and lacking in options. (Now that I recall, the poet might have been trying to get his reader into bed, but I think it’s still relevant.)
I know I said I wasn’t making any New Year’s resolutions, but apparently there was one sitting in the back of my mind, a resolution about not silently and pointlessly putting up with being taken for granted.
You know that ultimatum I was talking about the other day? Well tomorrow I’m laying it down. It will either work out the way I want or leave me unemployed. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but have been afraid because the prospect of being unemployed is scary.
I’ve finally reached the point, however, where the prospect of things staying exactly the way they are is scarier than the prospect of being unemployed. Because there is a problem with being taken advantage of when you are aware that it’s happening: you start to hate yourself.
It’s one thing for a person (or an organization) to behave as if you have no value when, in fact, you do. After all, we only have so much control over how we are perceived by others and over how they treat us. But when we know they are doing this and we do nothing about it, that’s where the self-hatred starts to seep in. Why? Because doing nothing in this situation implicitly says that you accept their choice to devalue you and, by extension, that you think it is a valid choice.
This is what I need to keep in mind right now: I’ve been letting them steal my belief in my value for a long time. Every huge and terrifying decision I have made in my life has worked out for me. This is probably because my big decisions are never rash and are always painstakingly thought out. This ultimatum is definitely huge and definitely terrifying, but by doing it, I’m shedding my self-hatred, so either way they choose to play it, I will win.
(Wish me luck, though, because the ideal situation will let me keep my dental plan.)